Dogs call for dangerous human beings to be microchipped
Senior canines have called upon the government to microchip dangerous
human beings, who they claim to be a “menace to dog society”. The
proposal was made at a Crufts round-table discussion on the future of
canine-human relations.
“Basically, some of them are nutters,” said Mr Fluffy, a 6-year-old
Poodle from Camberley, Surrey. “I mean, my owner’s OK – she’s in her
sixties and wouldn’t harm a fly – but you see them hanging around on
street corners with these things hanging out of their mouths, making all
these strange noises. If I did that, I tell you what, they’d put me
down!”
Rex, a 4-year-old Labrador, barked his agreement, adding that “the
Dangerous Humans act should be enacted as soon as possible. I sniffed
one the other day who had clearly peed himself, and he was foaming at
the mouth. Drinking in public, too – these humans should be microchipped
so that we can tell where they are at all times. They disgust me.”
A number of dogs were in agreement that some kind of limit to human
breeding should be put in place, with a maximum of two offspring per
human couple.
Rex continued: “They breed like crazy in some places – I saw one woman
who had a litter of about seven or eight. I mean, I’ve never looked, but
how many teets has she got? No one human can have enough milk for that
many kids. What we need is some kind of control on human reproduction,
and looking at some of them, I think we need to stop them from
in-breeding. All those funny chins and wonky ears? Yeah, it might work
for us dogs, but humans?”
The round-table discussion carried on long into the night, with
proposals being made for the most dangerous humans to be muzzled, a
proposal that was agreed upon unanimously, after it was revealed that
dogs actually do understand swearing.
“I hate their foul language,” said Minxy, a Yorkshire Terrier from
Basingstoke. “F- this and f-that, you’re a c-, you’re a w-, they should
be muzzled until they learn their lesson. I go mad when they talk to me
like that. And while I’m on the topic, I can’t bear human-fighting. The
idea of putting two humans in a ring together to fight just makes me
sick.”
One topic that remained unresolved was the suggestion from some of the
bigger dogs that more dangerous humans should be subject to the same
castration rules as dogs.
Mr Killer, a 7-year-old Rottweiller from Blackpool, said “they cut my
balls off because they thought it would calm me down – well I tell you
what – I’m in a f***ing big rage about it – after 6 years without balls,
I’m still seething. Some of those humans who hang around on my street
corner with their cans of frothy yellow stuff and those cigarettes – cut
their nads off and see how they like it. Grrrrrrr
Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:35 pm by Lorz
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